My wife’s father did not agree with his daughter’s choice to marry me. It was a difficult time when we look back on it, but these days it was just a small speed bump in our journey and for the most part he is now happy with the union. Given the chance though, he would have certainly stopped this in its tracks if it were up to him.

Years later I was attending a pastor’s house for dinner. We were not members of this church as the pastor did not agree that the church should have members, but that is another story. As the meal finished and we continued chatting the topic of our marriage came up, the pastor’s opinion was that my wife’s father had autonomy and right to stop our marriage. In his mind a father has an influence over a daughter’s choice in marriage, almost a right to choose her husband for her, or at the very least to say no if he doesn’t agree.

Investigate Everything

This Pastors position went against everything inside me, but, I had never studied this topic in the bible. My response was swift, please show me bible verses. I neither believed nor disbelieved the pastor until I read the word for myself. If anything, it was like every other time in my life when something like this happened, it became an amazing opportunity to learn yet another position that our God takes in his word on these important topics.

Motive and Facts

I do not know for sure what the pastor’s motive was for taking this position, I can only guess that it was inappropriate control. The one thing I now know is that his position was not biblical. The word of God on this matter is surprisingly sparse and does not make an absolute statement, nor is there a definitive commandment on the matter. However, by looking at several scriptures we can easily prove who chooses, who we marry, and if anyone can stop us.

Let us start by stating that, a godly wife is from the Lord, not from her father. In the following verses in proverbs, we see that men should seek to find a wife, not run around asking dads if we can have their daughters.

• Proverbs 19:14 House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD.
• Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

The Old Testament

The Old Testament takes care of this topic in the following two scriptures both in the negative and the affirmative,

The Negative

• Genesis 6:2 That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

This verse is talking about demonic filled humans, who were clearly operating against God, and they did something unnatural, they took wives as they choose. They were mighty men, strong and huge and humans stood little chance against their desire. It is clear that this was not how God intended things, as this event grieved him to the point of sending the flood to destroy all flesh on the earth.

The Positive

• Genesis 24:58 And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go.

Reader, this verse should settle the issue instantly. Isaac is to have a wife from God as prophesied by Abraham. Yet, even with this overwhelming plan, Rebekah’s parents asked her, will you marry this man? It was indeed ultimately the woman’s choice.

New Testament

If any wants to make the claim that this concept is only found in the Old Testament, lets look at what the New Testament has to say,

• 1 Corinthians 7:39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.

The words to “whom she will” G2309 or θέλω literally means,

1. to will, have in mind, intend
2. to purpose
3. to desire, to wish
4. to love

I cannot see how you can make any argument that God teaches us women are not free to marry whoever they chose. Seriously you would have to be ignorant of this verse to make such a statement. You could take the position that this verse is only talking of remarriage, however the bible takes care of this in the following verses,

• 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

Paul tells us, that if an unmarried woman cannot contain herself “remain celibate” she should decide to marry. Notice her father is absent from this entire concept, and it is her choice.

Finally, let us ask ourselves a simple question, if an unsaved father has the right to choose his saved daughters husband, how does she ensure she complies with the following verse?

• 2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

To Obey or Not to Obey

This doctrine is often connected with controlling parents who state that children must obey them perpetually. However, all we need is a little common sense to correctly interpret the word of God,

• Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
• Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

It is clear, children are to obey their parents!

• Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
• Ephesians 6:2 Honour thy father and mother

It is also clear, that children are to be trained up so when they become adults, they decide how the live, and they will live correctly if they have been trained up correctly by their parents.

Further, notice the difference in Ephesians 6:2, we are to honour our parents perpetually. However, we are only to obey them whilst we are children.

When does a child become and adult?

When are they free to make their own decisions?

The bible does not make a definitive statement on when a child becomes an adult, but there are clear principles in both Genesis and the New Testament.

We can state that the process of choosing a wife and choosing a husband is the very process of becoming an adult and joining a one flesh union that no longer is to obey the parents.

What About Jeremiah 29:6?

• Jeremiah 29:6 Take ye wives, and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; that ye may be increased there, and not diminished.

The words “take wives” or H3947 לָקַח in the Hebrew literally means,

1. to take, take in the hand
2. to take and carry along
3. to take from, take out of, take, carry away, take away
4. to take to or for a person, procure, get, take possession of, select, choose, take in marriage, receive, accept
5. to take up or upon, put upon to fetch
6. to take, lead, conduct
7. to take, capture, seize
8. to take, carry off
9. to take (vengeance)
10. to be captured
11. to be taken away, be removed
12. to be taken, brought unto
13. to be taken from or out of
14. to be stolen from
15. to be taken captive
16. to be taken away, be removed
17. to be taken unto, be brought unto
18. to be taken out of
19. to be taken away
20. to take hold of oneself
21. to flash about (of lightning)

Jeremiah 29 is talking about population growth to a specific people. It is commanding the Jews who had been taken captive to increase their houses and children. This verse is talking about Fathers and Mothers helping their children marry and procreate, the very physical logistics of finding spouses. It is not a commandment to Fathers that they choose the specific wives for their sons.

Conclusion

We see throughout scripture that we have individual and independent responsibility for our decisions and actions. Both men and women independently choose their spouse. The parent’s job is to bring them up correctly in the things of the Lord, so that they can make a wise decision on who they marry. Both man and woman are to move from the authority of their Father and Mother to the marriage.

• Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh

Stay under the wise counsel of Godly parents if you have them, listen to their wise understanding “if the possess it” and learn from it that you will make good Godly decisions for your future life and marriage, the final decision on who your spouse will be is yours and yours alone!