First, we must acknowledge that every marriage will experience turmoil. Notice that the title of this page is not “Biblically eliminating turmoil”. God knowing all things knew, that one of the consequences of sin would be rejection, and this rejection plays a specific part in marriage turmoil. His word gives us everything we need to know on this topic.

The Rejection Hierarchy

The family hierarchy is,
Children submit to parents
Wife submits to husband
Husband submits to Christ
Christ submits to God

Therefore, we can make the following statements,

When children reject their authority, they are rejecting their parents.
When the wife rejects her authority, she is rejecting her husband.
When the husband rejects his authority, he is rejecting Christ.
Christ never rejects his authority.

One Stone Does Not Kill two Birds

When approaching the topic of managing turmoil, because each of the human family tree rejects a different authority, means that we cannot correct their behavior, or start to identify and fix the problem if we are using the same tool or technique for each person. Therefore, we can make the following statement,

Marriage turmoil is created by one or both spouses not following or adhering to their biblical role in marriage.

Step 1: Acknowledgment

If any man or woman enters marriage with the hope that they will not experience turmoil, they are going to create an environment where they are disappointed. Even knowing this fact can ease the pressure and burden of trying to achieve the impossible.

• Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
• 1 John 1:8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

We can learn from these verses that all of us are sinful. When we talk or decide on anything we tend to use our hearts. Together this situation is a perfect storm for turmoil when two people are spending their lives together.

We must accept this, know that the turmoil will come, and not conclude that when we experience trouble in our marriage that it is a sign of failure, rather it is a consequence of the fallen world we live in.

Step 2: Acceptance of the Solution

It is an interesting fact that, in almost every human relationship that exists, it will be a successful relationship where one person leads, and the other person submits to the other earnestly. I have seen successful marriages where the wife is in complete control, but the marriage is only successful because the husband openly and happily submits to her control. One cannot however call this a biblical marriage, as their roles are not being followed.

• Ephesians 5:22-23 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
• Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Our roles are simple, the wife is to submit, and the husband is to lead. If we analyze every marriage problem in detail, we can find that either one, or both parties are not fulfilling these roles at an acceptable level. Sure, there may be a little “or lot” of other contributing factors, and sometimes these things take hours days or weeks to work through, but at its core the problem is a failure of our role within the marriage that is causing the turmoil.

Notation,

If either person in the marriage disagrees with these roles, their problem is not with their spouse, they are rejecting Christ, in this case we have an unequally yoked union and a receipt for disaster.

Step 3: Biblical Tools

The first biblical tool is recognizing your role in the marriage from the word of God. The second tool is our Christian elders and parents. The word of God is full of verses calling on the elderly and knowledgeable to help the young women and men of God.

• Titus 2:3-5 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Here we have one of the most important biblical tools for a successful marriage. Elderly women are to teach young women, and the teaching in order must be,

1: to be Sober

2: to love their husbands

3: to love their children

4: discreet

5: chaste

6: keepers of the home

7: good and obedient to their own husbands

Likewise the role of the husband starts early, however is much more robust and responsible based.

• Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
• Titus 2:6-7 Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,

The command on the young man is to learn early how to provide, and how to be strong in doctrine so that he may lead his wife and family. He will be responsible for the spiritual wellbeing of all the family members.

Now that we have the biblical foundation, we then move to biblical commands on how we are supposed to act in our marriage. The key here is not to measure ourselves to each of these targets, as if we did that we would fail every time. Rather when we find ourselves in marriage turmoil, read through this list, it will not take you long to identify when verses we are not complying with. When we are honest with ourselves, we will immediately recognize how we are causing the turmoil in the marriage.

• 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
• Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
• Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
• Ephesians 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
• 1 Peter 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
• 1 Timothy 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
• Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

What about the Feelings

The bible is almost absent on the topic of feelings when it commands us on how to be and act in marriage. Remember feelings come from the heart, and our hearts cannot be trusted.

Communication

• James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

Importantly, the word man, g444 or ἄνθρωπος in this verse means,

1: a human being, weather male or female

2: generically, to include all human individuals

It is not a command of the man, rather a command of the man and woman.

• Proverbs 13:18 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

I don’t know about you reader, but each and everytime my wife and I disagree and end up in an argument, either on or both of us have failed the commands of these two verses. The more times we get caught out, the more we should focus on our communication. The closer we become to talking and listening according to the word of God, the less turmoil we will have in our marriage.

Rejection isn’t Rejection

Just a small note on a rather large topic. Women and men were created by God to want and need different things. Men were created to have a wife that reverences and respects him. Women were created to have a man that loves them.

• Women, when you disrespect your husband, you are rejecting him and his authority and not fulfilling your role in the marriage.
• Men, when you don’t act out of love towards your wife, you are rejecting her and not fulling your role in the marriage.

Paradoxically,

Men do not default towards love, as it isn’t our primary need.

Women do not default toward respect, as it isn’t their primary need.

It is no wonder then that we must learn to fulfill our roles in marriage, and it is no wonder that we often get it wrong.

Conclusion

This page is not intended to be used in marriage counseling, nor is it a complete text on the range of turmoil that can occur within the marriage and how to deal with it. If you are in a young marriage, or if have been married for many years and still have recurring problems, these facts can help you identify where it is that you and your spouse are falling short and how to help you achieve the Godly Marriage.